You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My bed smells like the plague
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
