You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?