Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
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you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?