ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
