My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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