I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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