I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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