he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so let's talk penis.
this boner is exhausting
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
