I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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