He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
