There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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