I just pynch a tree in the face
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
