Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
