i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
