farters have to be the big spoon...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
