don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
