I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
is wine microwaveable?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just sucked dick on a ferry