did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
