I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And then he peed in my hair
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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