you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
