Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
