so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
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Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.