i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
