i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
