I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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