the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
