You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
