The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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