I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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