I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
