Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
