Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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