the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
