the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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