Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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