We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
