I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
