i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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