On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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