I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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