Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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