so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
