I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
