I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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