I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
