Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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