well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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