I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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