I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
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He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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