dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
