When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
