Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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