I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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