Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.