Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We have so much sex to catch up on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.