Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
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the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
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All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.